Sent in by Angela

"Don't let the world bring you down. Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold. Remember why you came and while you're alive, experience the warmth before you grow old."  --  Brandon Boyd

June 2005

My Guardian Angel

By Barbara C. Floyd

I lay on my bed one day,
Awaiting an ambulance you see!
And there, I had a vision of an angel,
Who'd been watching over me.

She was very tired and out of breath;
She was bruised and battered
From shielding me from death.

I hadn't known I had one,
But this vision was quite plain.
She'd taken many blows for me,
Trying to keep me sane.

I began to feel so bad about all I'd put her through,
I had an apology to make,
And some changing I must do.

For all these years she was there, taking the blows for me.
Yet, I didn't even care,
I was busy destroying myself and whoever else was there.

I had taken her Holy body through many a rough terrain.
Dragging her beauty down and driving her insane.

I took her golden halo and wrapped it around my arm,
Using it as a tunicate to do my body harm.

I used her lovely wings to slap her in the face,
Every time I tried and failed to run this crazy race.

The drugs I used had damaged her heart,
So that mine could beat.
Yet again, I would self destruct,
This battle, alone, was too hard to defeat.

Her arms must look like pin cushions,
With holes all around,
How did she keep going,
When I continuously pulled her down?

I've damaged her lungs as poison filled the air,
One more batch is all, then I'll quit, I swear.
I damaged her eyes with impurity, as she watched each step I took.
Her feet are surely tired and in fear she's often shook.

All around me in latter years, my friends began to die.
The drugs were finally winning as we said our last good byes.

But now, it was me, laying here near death,
Awaiting an ambulance to come help me get my breath.

That day changed my life forever, I hope.
I no longer turn to drugs, just to help me cope.

It truly broke my heart, to see her broken and torn,
Seeing all her battle scars from shielding me from harm.

Seeing her look so old and frail,
all because of me,
Just because I lived my life, so selfishly.

I awoke from that vision and plead for God's mercy and grace.
I fell upon my knees and then upon my face.

His loving arms surrounded me
And pulled me to my feet.
He said "my child look around you,
THIS YOU WILL DEFEAT"

"I will get the glory, for all whom you bring in,
And you can help so many
to turn their back on sin.

I will be your leader and you'll walk in armored steel.
Letting go of your old life,
And laying down your own self will.

I am your loving father, and I want what's best for you.
Quit trying to do this on your own,
I am here for you".

My eyes quickly filled with tears
And my heart began to ache.
As His arms stretched forth, His hand
I began to take.

It's been 6 months now and I saw that angel again.
She seems a bit more rested and less heavy from my sin.
Her beauty is restored and her wings are just like new.
Her halo is in place and she's much happier too.
I know she is,
Because I saw her smile,
As I took the hand of Jesus
And began to walk with Him a while.

December 2004

Ms. Crystal Meth

By Samantha Reynolds
http://www.writingforum.com/samantha_reynolds.html
Samantha has contacted me to point out that she wrote the original version of this poem. There have been two slighly changed versions (shown below) sent in. The original poem (plus other work) she wrote can be seen on the website above and was written and copyrighted in 2000.

If my 'glamorous' lifestyle, Is appealing to you...
And you want to try me... , Because you've 'nothing to loose'...
Then, let me give you, A bit of advice:
You are a fool... , And you'd better think twice.
I destroy homes. I tear families apart.
I take your children... , And that's just the start.
I'm more valued than diamonds. More precious than gold.
The sorrow I bring, Is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember; I'm easily found.
I live all around you; In school and in town.
I live with the rich. I live with the poor.
I live just down the road, And maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but, Not in one like you think.
I can be made, Under your kitchen sink
Or in your child's closet, And even out in the woods.
If this scares you to death... , It certainly should.
I have many names, But there's one you'll know best.
I'm sure you've heard of me: My name's Crystal Meth.
My power is awesome. Try me, you'll see.
But if you do, You may never break free.
Just try me once, And I might let you go,
But if you try me twice, Then I own your soul.
When I seduce you, You'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to, Just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, For my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure, You'll feel in my arms.
You'll lie to your mother. You'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, You must not feel sad.
Just forget your morals, And how you were raised.
I'll be your conscious. I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from their parents. I take parents from kids.
I turn people from God. I separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, Even your good looks, and your pride.
I'll be with you always. Right there, by your side.
You'll give up everything; Your family, your home
Your money, your friends. You'll be all alone.
I'll take and I'll take, 'Til you've no more to give.
When I finish with you, You'll be lucky to live.
If you try me, be warned: THIS IS NOT A GAME.
If I'm given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravage your body. I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely. Your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you, When you're lying in bed....
And the voices you'll hear, From inside your head....
The sweats, the shakes, And the visions you'll see...
I want you to know; These are your gifts from me.
By then it's too late and, You'll know in your heart
That you are now mine, And we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me. (They always do)
But, you came to me. Not I, to you.
You knew this would happen. How many times were you told?
But, you challenged my power. You chose to be bold.
You could have said 'NO', And then walked away.
If you could live that day over, Now, what would you say?
My power is awesome, As I told you before.
I can take your mother, And turn her into a whore.
So, go ahead and curse me, With every breath.
Just make your choice: Will it be life or meth?
You will take unknown paths, On your journey through life.
Some will bring happiness... , Some will bring strife.
But my path is one, You must not ever cross.
Although it's well trodden, Countless lives have been lost.
Now that you've met me, What will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can show you more misery, Than words can tell.
Come, take my hand. Let me lead you to Hell.

©Copyrighted 2000
by Samantha Reynolds

December 2004

Not An Addict

Song lyrics by the band Kay's Choice

Breath it in and breath it out
and pass it on it's almost out.
We're so creative so much forward
high above but on the floor.

It's not a habit it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it then your on the other side.

The deeper you stick it in your vein
the deeper the thought, there's no more pain.
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere I feel so high.

It's not a habit it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it then your on the other side.

I'm not an addict. Baby, that's a lie.

It's over now I'm cold alone
I'm just a person on my own.
Nothing means a thing to me
nothing means a thing to me.

It's not a habit it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it then your on the other side.

I'm not an addict. Baby, that's a lie.

Free me. Leave me.
Watch the edge I'm going down
Free me. See me.
Look at me I'm falling in.
....I'm falling

It is not a habit it is cool
I feel alive. I feel

It is not a habit it is cool
I feel alive. I feel

It's not a habit it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it then your on the other side.

I'm not an addict. Baby, that's a lie.

I'm not an addict.

December 2004

Heroin took me away

By From F.M.

I wrote this poem when i was in my third rehab center.

I was a normal and simple child
Then life began to treat me wild
I lost confidence and happiness
And I started to be sad and helpless

At that time I was introduced to heroin
They said it's a painkiller, like morphine
They told me that it's going to help me
And it takes away worry and bad memory

After a while I was living a nightmare
I needed someone but nobody was there
I was miserable more than ever
That is when I felt I was trapped forever

After five years of sorrow
I stopped and I longed for a new tomorrow
With the help of God and my family
Even if I'll never be alive as I used to be

Today I don't take heroin anymore
But I'm becoming depressed more and more
My life can never be the same again
All I want is to get over this pain

I can not go back and change everything
But I can warn you, my friend, about heroin
It starts fun then turns out to be suffering
Don't do the same mistake man, fuck heroin

Heroin took away my joy, my hope and my energy
Left me with hate, awful flashbacks and nobody
It stole my heart, my mind and my body
Left me craving for something that was destroying me

Even though sometimes reality is cold
Do not choose heroin, as I was told
Trust me; you're better off sober and living
Than alone, paranoid and dying.

December 2004

Meet Mr. and Mrs. Crystal Meth

By Jeremy Harris

I destroy homes, I tear families apart

I take your children and that's just a start.

I'm more valued than diamonds, more precious than gold

The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember, I'm easily found

I live all around you, in school and in town.

I live with the rich, I live with the poor

I live just down the street and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not one like you think

I can be made under the kitchen sink

In your child's closet, and even out in the woods

If this scares you to death, then it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you'll know best

I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is Crystal Meth.

My power is awesome, try me, you'll see

But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go

But if you try me twice, then I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie

You'll do what you have to do, just to get high

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms

will be worth the pleasures you feel in my arms.

You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad

When you see their tears, you must feel sad.

Just forget your morals and how you were raised

I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways

I take kids from their parents, I take parents from their kids

I turn people from God, I separate friends

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride

I'll be with you always, right by your side.

You'll give up everything, your family, your home

your money, your true friend, then you'll be alone

I'll take and take til you have no more to give

When i finish with you, you'll be lucky to live

If you try me, be warned, this is not a game

If I'm given the chance, I'll drive you insane

I'll ravage your body, I'll control your mind

I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine

The nightmares I'll give you when you're lying in bed

and the voices you'll hear from inside your head

The sweats, the shakes, and the visions from me

I want you to know these things are gifts from me

By then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart

that you are now mine and we shall not part

You'll regret that you tried me (they always do)

But you came to me, not I to you

You knew this would happen

Many times you've been told

But you challenged my power!

You chose to be bold

You could have said no and then walked away

If you could live that day over now, what would you say?

My power is awesome, as I told you before

I can take your life and make it so dim and sore.

I'll be your master and you'll be my slave

I'll even go with you when you go to your grave

Now that you've met me, what will you do?

will you try me or not? It's all up to you.

I can show you more misery than words can tell

Come take my hand, let me lead you to HELL.  

May 2004

Untitled

By Kat

Bleh........it's late, insomnia is killing me, I'm so fucking lonely.  I guess I figured out I had a problem with heroin when I looked at my dealer and wondered if he would let me suck dick for drugs.  I knew I was an addict when my boyfriend asked. 

May 2004

Untitled

By Kat

My boyfriend and I of four years (and I've been an addict for four years...what do you know?)  just quit.  It wasn't my choice and I'm still fucking angry about it.  We couldn't come up with any money for "the Mexican store" (as we called it) so I fell asleep and he went home and told his parents everything.

Next thing I know, his mother is at my house telling me things are going to be alright.  I asked them to leave, panicked, tried to pawn something.  They offered me enough ($25) but for some reason I said, "No, I can get more from another hawker".  So I went and drove an hour in traffic to another one just to be offered $8 for the same thing.  I then drove back to the prior shop to find that they had closed earlier......... now I was sweaty and desperate. 

I sold some books, got 9$, called the dealer, said I had $8.50 left and he refused to credit me another bag because I still owed him twenty. 

I said, "Look, Andy is in rehab,  I don't know what to do." 

He said, "Sorry, I can't do it." 

And then I vowed to make him regret that mistake by never buying from him again.  Out of the thousands of dollars I've given him, he could at least accredit me twenty so that he can continue to make money off my addiction.  But since I had to get sick, which is what I feared the most, I was going to stay sick and may he suffer the losses.  (How warped do addicts think, seriously?)

I went home, called my boyfriend.  His mom came and got me (my mother was on vacation. We lost our house together and were living together in a loft adjacent to my mother's house) and his parents started to coddle me and tell me it was going to be alright.  I told her, hold no bones,

"I was reluctant to get into this mess, Andy coerced me, and now he wants out, has insurance, I don't and now I have to suffer?  Where the fuck was he when I wanted out!" 

This is a thing about American life...health is a business.  It's capitalism.  I can't afford it.  His parents pay his, the spoonfed bugger. 

His mom told me, "You can't blame Andy, you make your own choice!" 

I said, "You bet I can fucking blame Andy!  When I said, "I will break up with you if you continue to do drugs, and he continued, I should have broken up with him...but he wasn't addicted then and he still chose them over me.  He did nothing to protect me and I was just a fucking 20 year old going into a new relationship which all of his friends judged me about because he still had a girlfriend and I was scrutinized to be better than her.  I had to be cool...now that I DONT have my parents insurance anymore, he does, and I get to suffer!" 

Then his mother did the unspeakable.  She called my mom and told her about my addiction.  I'll never forgive that fucking control freak as long as I live.  I had already told her that I was vowed to tell her, she just wouldn't give me the satifaction of doing it because she couldn't control what I said about her son, but she could control this aspect of my addiction at least. 

My mother came and got me.  A few hours later she took me to the emergency room, even though it will cost over $1,000.  I was suffereing that much.  I guess my habit was high, but since I knew worse I thought I was just a baby.

And you'd think you'd get good service considering how much you pay, but I was waiting in my room for three hours, screaming, shitting the bed, kicking, before they finally did anything about it. 

Trust me, I'm not one to seek attention, that's why I became a closet addict in the first place.  I guess my withdrawal was so severe because I had tried withdrawing in the past and failed so miserabley.  The body gets mad when you deprive it, so it seeks vengence the next time you think of doing anything that foolish to it. 

Finally the doctor came to see me, told me to sleep it off, gave me anti-nausea medicine, and sent me home with a prescription for anti-nausea medicine.  What kind of idiot gets stuck with the late shift anyway?  He told me I'd feel drowsy...then I didn't sleep for days.  I laid in bed while my mom crossed off hours.  It nearly killed her and my sister to see me in so much pain, they will never forgive Andy for that. 

What happened to him?  He got a fancy new medicine, doesn't feel much withdrawal, and his parents are taking him to the beach for being such a brave little soldier.  He slipped me a couple of his pills, but after the worst was over, to which I took them from him, but still have them in my jacket. 

Considering this was my fiance, and he left me to rot, yet he loves me and says he was doing it for the best, I think I need to get away.  I'm angry and sad and I want to use again because I was so fucking happy being a junkie. 

Then again, was I?  I can't remember the last time I got high, I just remember not getting sick. 
And then the comments.............

"I thought junkies were supposed to be thin!" - my mother......

"I knew there was something wrong with you!  I just couldn't place it!" -my father

"No wonder she looks so awful" -my aunt

"Sigh...she used to be so beautiful" -my uncle

"Smelly, I love you.  I'm proud of you." -my eighteen year old sister. 

Maybe it's going to be worth it after all. 

May 2004

Shattered Images - a poem to Brian Leddy

By Jody Graham (http://brianleddy.4t.com)

Have you found what your looking for? Perhaps your convinced you need to look some more.

Can you remember what it is your trying to find? Or is it lost in the smoke that's feeding your mind.

Is this where you really want to be?  I don't think so, that's not what you told me.

Are you healthy, happy and well?  Or do you feel you've fallen and gone to hell.

Are the answers in that poison you buy?  You know as well as I do thats a big lie.

How did you get to where you are now? Do you want to change it or are you lost and don't know how?

Are you sick and tired of this daily grind yet?  Or are you comfortable and quite content?

Pay attention to the signs.  The shadows are telling you something  - its not in your mind.

Have you seen the changes your body makes?  How many times do your eyes need to shake?

Seeing how close to God you can get.  Life isn't a game for you to bet.

What do you think about when you are spun?  Do you remember when you use to have fun?

How do you feel when you are tweaked?  Have you considered your alone, angry and freaked.

When is the last time you enjoyed the stars? Have you traded that beauty for the sight of sleazy bars.

Are you strong just because you can survive?  It doesn't mean a thing - you can be weak and still alive!

You haven't  turned your back on family and friends. But don't get confused thinking thats them in the crack dens.

Are you aware that you are loved?  Or do you prefer to keep getting shoved?

Are you ready to win instead of lose?  Beat down those drugs, demons and booze.

Drop them before they drop you.  Or else they may turn your brain into goo.

The intelligent man that you are, I know you won't let it get that far.

Living in this toxic haze - will only bring you darker days.

Think about what I have said.  If I hadn't listened I would have been dead.

Someone helped me and I hope we can help you.   But the first step is for you to do.

Lift your chin up tall and high. Remember who you really are, who loves you and why.

Pick up the shattered images that remain.  Put them back together and look at yourself whole again.

But even if you prefer the bright nights and dark days,

Remember your friends are only a phone call away.

They are your friends no matter what.  Our doors are open and never shut.

For my brother

By Lynne

I wish that I could tell you how much I miss you still
how much my heart still hurts  how much it always will

how the sunshine brings me pain now because it reminds me so of you,
of our last days together shining in your eyes so blue

how I remember what you were wearing the day you went away,
and remember how very much I wanted you to stay

how the beauty of the season reminds me and the flowers make me want
to cry , they will always smell to me like the day we said good-bye.

and how I will want for a lifetime to say those words I never got to say, 

how sad that I could not know that it would be our final day.

and how if I just had one more moment I would like to say to you,
that I hope you know how much I love you and that you always knew.

we entered this world together not alone but as a pair,
that is why I will always reach for you and why I will always feel you there.

and why I will always feel the pain without you that will for a lifetime be,
but only hear on earth where we await eternity.

Meth Poem

By Marisa

I destroy homes, and tear families apart.
I will take your children, and that's just to start.
My power is awesome, just try me, you'll see.
Because, once you do, you may never break free.

I'll ravage your body, I'll destroy your mind.
My, thoughts, are now your thoughts, your soul is now mine.
For my narcotic charm, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You'll do what you have to, just to get high.

You'll lie to your mother, you'll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should not feel sad.
Just forget your morals, and how you were raised.
I'll teach you new things; you'll be amazed.

I'm more valued than diamonds, more treasured than gold.
The sorrow I cause, is a sight to behold.
I take kids from their parents. I take parents from kids.
I turn people from God. I separate friends.

I have many names, but there's one you'll know best.
I'm sure you've heard of me. My name's Crystal Meth.
My victims all thought, they were stronger than me.
They've since witnessed my power. Now they believe.

If you try me, be warned, this is not a game.
If given a chance, I will drive you insane.
You'll give up everything; your family, your home,
Your money, your friends; you'll be all alone.

Oh, the nightmares I'll give you, when you're lying in bed,
And the voices you'll hear, deep inside of your head.
The sweats, and the shakes, and the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are your gifts. From me.

By then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are now mine, and we shall not part.
At times, you'll want to lay down and die,
But I won't allow that, so don't even try.

I'll take everything from you; your good looks, your pride.
But, I'll be with you always; right there by your side.
I'll take, and I'll take, 'till you've no more to give.
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.

My power is awesome, as I told you before.
I can take your mother, and turn her into a whore.
I'll be your master, and you'll be my slave.
But, I'll be there with you, when you go to your grave.

Now that you know me, what will you do?
Will you try me, or not? It's all up to you.
Listen to me, and please, listen well;
Once you are mine, I'll take you to Hell.  

Life is worth living

By Anonymous

It will start off slowly, did for me anyway,

a line here and there with a partner led astray.

But soon you will find a habit you can't kick,

without it each morning you'll be violently sick.

So within a month of having it all,

you'll find yourself crashing.

You'll rip off your best friend, your life will suck,

cos now you'll do anything to get hold of that muck.

Then life will become one roundabout ritual,

one that will finally get to you all.

Gear, spoon, water, pin, lighter on lap,

waiting for the gouch as if it's on tap.

Next comes a time when you'll 'call it a day',

well I'll tell you now, there's no easy way.

'Hang on, if I keep this up I will be dead,

OD'd by accident, or in prison instead'.

Women you know that childbirth hurts,

men you believe it, you've heard her words.

But this is a pain you won't ever forget,

it will nag you and hound you that I can bet.

So back to your dealers house for some more,

because that same old brown will keep knocking your door.

You want to get out of that hall of shame?

Just keep on trying, don't play it's game.

I wish you all the best of luck,

I tell you it's hard, heroin don't give a fuck.

But the choice is yours, to continue and die,

or do as I did and give up if you try.

Mother

By Dana Berrier

Mom I love you more than you think,

although I know my life continues to sink.

But please understand I am fighting a hard fight,

and what you don't know is the tears I cry at night.

I am not proud of what I have become,

and definitely not proud of the things I have done.

I never meant to worry you so much,

and I know for fact it has been a bunch.

Although I treat you as if I don't care,

my guilt inside is so much to bare.

I feel so much pain for what I have done,

but I could never explain this person I have become.

I drive you crazy and cause you stress,

and I should start giving you all my best.

You tried so hard to teach me wrong from right,

and I want to tell you this very night.

You’ve done a great job as my mother,

and I would never exchange you for another.

I do not blame you for the things do,

The few good that remains I give thanks to you.

You set good examples for us to follow,

it is our own fault that in the mud we wallow.

If I would have only listened to your advice,

I wouldn't be living an addicts life.

I want to thank you for always being there,

and believe me when I say  I really do care.

You are a wonderful women in my eyes,

and nothing you could do would change my mind.  

Untitled

By Dana Berrier

I can not say exactly how I feel,
To me none of ya'lls love is even real.
Please tell me why It has to be me,
that is always blamed for your misery.
I know I have fell to the muddy pits,
I just wonder if this is the worst it gets.
Can you not understand that I can not get better under all this constant demand.
all I hear about this tough love shit,
come on now people it is time to quit.
If you want me to change and reflect what I was,
please don't just say it, show me your love.
Who wants to live day to day, when you are treated like you have the plague.
I do not blame you for being ashamed,
I know have messed up the family name.
I never intended to become an addict,
I remember a day when I was happy without it.
I never imagined that it would take me down, take me down and in it I would drown.
I really want to overcome this evil drug,
but to do so I need your kindness not your tough love!!

  

Untitled 2

if you could only feel the pain inside my soul,
things in my mind that I have never told.
you could never imagine the endless guilt,
or the tears that are absorbed each night by my quilt.
I wrench inside for all that I have lost,
and believe me you don't have to tell me it is my fault.
I am a prisoner to all my mistakes,
I am free when I sleep, but I am locked back down when I awake.
I can't get passed what I have become,
and I've hurt my kids most by the things I have done.
do you not think I hate myself for taking this road,
I missed all the signs that was telling me which way to go.
So, don't come telling me I am the one to blame,
I already know for I live my life in shame.

Reply to Frank's Story    (go to story)

By Mark

May the wind be to your back,
The open road to your front,
And God by your side........

John 14:6

Why Jesus Died

By Dana Berrier

There is a battle going on in my head, I can't forget a single word anyone has said. 

I keep going over each persons speech, and the thoughts in my brain go oh so deep. 

I feel as if Satan  has a strong hold, grasping my hand the more I fall. 

The people around me are hinting around trying to tell me what is going down. 

I can't seem to piece it all together, I have to admit these people are clever. 

I think one day I will rise to the top, and all the insanity is going to stop. 

Everything is all up to me, It is way over due for me to be clean. 

Does a brick have to fall out of the sky for me to understand that is why Jesus died? 

He has a plan in store for my life, and although I have messed up night after night,

he will forgive me for my sins, and a new life i will began. 

I wish it would all happen tonight, but it takes time to train for this fight. 

I have to know that my life went down hill, because this testimony I have will help others be healed. 

How could I reach the addicts of this earth, if I myself had never been there first. 

Jesus is calling this fallen star, because he knows I still have a heart. 

He polish me up and hold me high, so others can see why Jesus died.  

Dealer

By Dana Berrier

Walking in the shadows of all I saw as a child, all the memories I have compiled.

Some were great ones, others I hate and I wonder if being a dealer is my fate.

I watched my dad make his runs and he pulled his time for the things he done.

Once you start it's hard to stop and the money you make puts you on top.

The one thing you need to know is you can't stop doing up your blow.

Once you do your life is a blur and you'll realise you are your best customer.

The second thing you need to know is people will talk and it aint good, its hard to ignore it but you should.

We have a heart just like theirs but we are judged by all and its not fair.

Just live your life as you please and forget about those people who cause you misery.

It's tough in the world of drugs and such, and you'll lose sight of what counts when it gets to be too much.

Just keep your head held high no matter what and don't lose your pride cause it means a lot.

All us dealers make it just fine and we got to be smart so we do no time.

I have come to understand why my dad dealed, I look back on my memories and my answers are revealed.